Monday, February 1, 2016

Faith Mae

It was back in September, when my parents and Joshua were on their way up to Ohio to pick up Dylan and Paige who had been staying up there with friends. I was here with Levi on down, wooo a crazy bunch. Mom called and told me she was pregnant. I put the phone on speaker and the little ones heard, Levi started crying, Elias, Caden, and Rylan were delighted, Lilliana smiled and pretended to know what was going on with squeals, copying her big brothers. From then on to 16 weeks I was wondering if it would be a boy or a girl...blonde hair + blue/green eyes or brown hair + brown eyes...taking pictures for Mom of her slowly growing belly. Whether brother or sister he/she would be loved and spoiled...adored by Lilliana (I couldn't wait to see her as a big sister) and us all.
And then at 16 weeks we found out it was a girl. The young woman who was the ultrasound tech kept saying how perfect she was. She waved at us and the lady snapped a picture of her wave. She moved all over the place in there. We were going to have a precious baby girl again. And then more dreams filled me, of pink frilly dresses...of head bands with huge flowers...of two little girls playing tea party...of rocking her and singing to her.
Our horse farrier is Amish and has an adorable family, we had to go and get him to help us with a horse emergency shortly after finding out that Mom was going to have a girl. We waited at his home with his family until he was finished with the jobs he already had that day. They have a precious 3 month old baby girl that Mom and I got to hold. I held her, smiled and talked to her and got her smiling and talking back to me. I was thinking of how I couldn't wait for my baby sister. I just couldn't wait.
Mom was 20 weeks when she stopped feeling movement and decided to go to the emergency room to have them check for the heartbeat. They couldn't find one. She was gone. And I just couldn't believe it, I just thought it had to be wrong, the ultrasound lady had said she so rarely saw a more perfect baby.
But Dad got off work early, Mom came home, and it's nothing Mom did or didn't do, the baby girl just stopped living.
Mom had her the next night (Jan. 1st). Dad and Paige were at the hospital with her and I was here. They stayed the night in the hospital and brought her home the next morning. We all got to hold her. To have her little hand on our finger. To see her tiny feet. To count her toes. Her name was Faith Mae. We buried her here on our land. We hugged each other and cried.
I wanted her to be here with us, I wanted to cuddle another newborn, I longed to see two adorable little girlies running around together in sweet little dresses.
I realized it's crazy how much you can miss someone you've never even met. Faith Mae will always be missed.
But Faith Mae is in Heaven, safe in Jesus' loving arms.

She is:
"Safe in the arms of Jesus, safe from corroding care, safe from the world's temptations, sin cannot harm (her) there. Free from the blight of sorrow, free from doubts and in the arms of Jesus, safe on His gentle breast, there by His love o'er shaded, sweetly (her) soul shall rest."

Reminding myself of this over and over is what brings me comfort. I have felt at times like asking why...why did God take my baby sister? But I remember that everyday Mom was pregnant with her and we had the delight of dreaming of days to come with her was a gift I don't deserve. I'm blessed with the eight siblings I have and the 3 I have in Heaven. And I remember that He truly knows best. He can see the big picture and I can only see a tiny part of it. The Lord is holding Faith Mae and the others close up there and one day I will get to see them.