Monday, February 1, 2016

Faith Mae

It was back in September, when my parents and Joshua were on their way up to Ohio to pick up Dylan and Paige who had been staying up there with friends. I was here with Levi on down, wooo a crazy bunch. Mom called and told me she was pregnant. I put the phone on speaker and the little ones heard, Levi started crying, Elias, Caden, and Rylan were delighted, Lilliana smiled and pretended to know what was going on with squeals, copying her big brothers. From then on to 16 weeks I was wondering if it would be a boy or a girl...blonde hair + blue/green eyes or brown hair + brown eyes...taking pictures for Mom of her slowly growing belly. Whether brother or sister he/she would be loved and spoiled...adored by Lilliana (I couldn't wait to see her as a big sister) and us all.
And then at 16 weeks we found out it was a girl. The young woman who was the ultrasound tech kept saying how perfect she was. She waved at us and the lady snapped a picture of her wave. She moved all over the place in there. We were going to have a precious baby girl again. And then more dreams filled me, of pink frilly dresses...of head bands with huge flowers...of two little girls playing tea party...of rocking her and singing to her.
Our horse farrier is Amish and has an adorable family, we had to go and get him to help us with a horse emergency shortly after finding out that Mom was going to have a girl. We waited at his home with his family until he was finished with the jobs he already had that day. They have a precious 3 month old baby girl that Mom and I got to hold. I held her, smiled and talked to her and got her smiling and talking back to me. I was thinking of how I couldn't wait for my baby sister. I just couldn't wait.
Mom was 20 weeks when she stopped feeling movement and decided to go to the emergency room to have them check for the heartbeat. They couldn't find one. She was gone. And I just couldn't believe it, I just thought it had to be wrong, the ultrasound lady had said she so rarely saw a more perfect baby.
But Dad got off work early, Mom came home, and it's nothing Mom did or didn't do, the baby girl just stopped living.
Mom had her the next night (Jan. 1st). Dad and Paige were at the hospital with her and I was here. They stayed the night in the hospital and brought her home the next morning. We all got to hold her. To have her little hand on our finger. To see her tiny feet. To count her toes. Her name was Faith Mae. We buried her here on our land. We hugged each other and cried.
I wanted her to be here with us, I wanted to cuddle another newborn, I longed to see two adorable little girlies running around together in sweet little dresses.
I realized it's crazy how much you can miss someone you've never even met. Faith Mae will always be missed.
But Faith Mae is in Heaven, safe in Jesus' loving arms.

She is:
"Safe in the arms of Jesus, safe from corroding care, safe from the world's temptations, sin cannot harm (her) there. Free from the blight of sorrow, free from doubts and fears...safe in the arms of Jesus, safe on His gentle breast, there by His love o'er shaded, sweetly (her) soul shall rest."

Reminding myself of this over and over is what brings me comfort. I have felt at times like asking why...why did God take my baby sister? But I remember that everyday Mom was pregnant with her and we had the delight of dreaming of days to come with her was a gift I don't deserve. I'm blessed with the eight siblings I have and the 3 I have in Heaven. And I remember that He truly knows best. He can see the big picture and I can only see a tiny part of it. The Lord is holding Faith Mae and the others close up there and one day I will get to see them.


15 comments:

  1. I am so, so, sorry to hear this Ashley. And I don't know what to say to comfort you and your family except that I am praying for you all right now. May the Lord bless and keep you!

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    1. Your prayers mean so much to us, thank you Lydia. ❤

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  2. This is a beautiful post. I'm so sorry you all had to go through this. But God defiantly has a plan. Keep trusting Him, as I know you are!
    Love you Ashley!! ♡

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    1. Thank you Tashia. ❤ Love you too.

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  3. Ashley, my heart and my prayers go out to you and your family. May the Lord comfort you all ! You are in my prayers!!! What a precious baby girl ♥

    God bless you and your family.

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  4. Dearest Ashley...oh, my heart is aching for you and your dear family so much today...oh, how I know what you are going through, dear...my mother has also had three miscarriages, excpet that she lost our precious unborn siblings earlier along and before we found out their genders... The last one was in February last year and it is still fresh in my mind. May the Lord comfort your hearts and lift you up...how painful this is for you to walk through, especially since you had been dreaming of that dear little girl, so sweet and perfect... Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and how I wish I could share deep comfort with you! This was such a beautiful post and truly touching... I appreciate you sharing this, and I do know that that the Lord will carry you all through this sad time of grieving the loss of your unborn sister... With my my love and hugs...
    Kelly-Anne

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    1. Aw dear Kelly - Anne, you're so sweet. I'm so sorry for the loss of your 3 precious unborn siblings, miscarriages are so hard. Please know that I have continued to pray for your Mom's pregnancy now, I pray she has a safe delivery and for healthy mother and baby boy. ❤ The love and prayers mean more than you know, thank you so much! Hugs ❤

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  5. Dear Ashley (and the rest of your family), I was so sorry to hear about your loss. May God's presence bring you rest, comfort, and hope. Love you, Annetta

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    1. Thank you sweet Annetta. The Lord has been so good in bringing each of those things during this time, for which I'm so thankful. ❤

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  6. Oh I'm so sorry Ashley. This truly made me cry and just know that she's not gone for eternity! That's the good news. She was perfect, spotless and sinless. So she will most definitely be in heaven. Be strong, always. :)

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    1. Thank you. Yes, amen that is certainly true and I am so glad that she is in the most wonderful place of all right now.

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  7. I'm so sorry for your loss Ashley. God bless you all.
    Can you post more pictures of Faith? What does her name mean?

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  8. Oh, Ashley! I am so sorry... It is so hard to put feelings into words... Just know that, whenever you guys come to mind, I'm praying for you (you come to mind often!). I love you guys so much!

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    1. Thank you Emily, your prayers mean so much. ❤ p.s. I'm wearing the fuzzy socks you guys sent in the sweet blessing package right now. We all enjoyed going through the box - it was such a sweet gift. ❤

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